Today’s March Madness bracket is centered around which mascot would win in a fight. I have a feeling we’ll see some high seeds fall early.
East:
The Huskies prevail over the Hatters. Up the Luton Town Hatters, but the Stetson Hatters, not so much. The FAU Owls fall to the Northwestern Wildcats, a mascot we will being seeing a LOT of. The UAB Blazers might have a Cinderella run in them, as they take down last year’s finalists, the Aztecs. The Auburn Tigers defeat the Yale Bulldogs in a relatively boring affair. I did some research on the Duquesne Dukes, and it turns out the nickname honors the Marquis Du Quesne, the French governor of Canada. The mascot himself is a “Duke,” or a man dressed in a top hat and tails with a regal sash across his chest. Unfortunately, the Dukes would get eaten by the Cougars. Illinois does not have a mascot (for obvious reasons, considering their previous one), so the Morehead State Eagles advance by default. We have another group of Cougars, this time Washington State, up against the Drake Bulldogs. Give me the Cougars. Iowa State seems to be a strong contender in this tournament — Give me the Cyclones over the #15 seed Jackrabbits. Into the Round of 32, Huskies vs. Wildcats is probably the most difficult matchup yet. I think I’ll take the Wildcats. UAB and their fire-breathing dragon take down the Auburn Tigers to make the Sweet 16. BYU would defeat Morehead State in the Round of 32, as the other Cougars, Washington State, fall victim to the Iowa State Cyclones. Wildcats vs. Blazers? Give me UAB. Cougars vs. Cyclones? Give me Iowa State. Between the UAB Blazers and the Iowa State Cyclones, I’m picking the Cyclones to advance to the Final Four in Glendale. I just think that the tornado will swoop up the Dragons before they can do too much damage.
West:
UNC vs. Wagner is an interesting matchup. UNC is referred to as the “Tar Heels,” which simply means someone from the state of North Carolina. The mascot himself is a ram named Rameses. Meanwhile, Wagner’s is the Seahawk. I have Wagner in the First Four game, so I’ll go with UNC’s ram over Wagner’s Seahawk. Mississippi State’s Bulldogs will fall to Michigan State’s Spartans. The Gaels vs. the Antelopes is an interesting matchup. According to Saint Mary’s website, a Gael is “traditionally an Irish warrior, representing the power of passion and hard work.” I guess they’ll beat the Antelopes, but it won’t be easy. Alabama and the Crimson Tide will cruise to victory over another group of Cougars, this time from College of Charleston. The Clemson Tigers would defeat the New Mexico Lobos. Embarrassingly enough, I just learned that a Lobo is actually a Mexican gray wolf. The Baylor Bears would defeat the Colgate Raiders with relative ease in my opinion. The Dayton Flyers against the Nevada Wolf Pack makes for an interesting matchup. Assuming the Flyers can actually fly, it would be difficult for the Wolf Pack to reach them. I trust the wolves though. I respect Long Beach State’s rebranding to their mascot being the “Beach,” but it doesn’t do them much good against University of Arizona’s Wildcats. Onto the Round of 32, if we’re sticking with using Rameses for UNC, they’ll take down the Michigan State Spartans. The Crimson Tide will stomp the Gaels, and Baylor will prevail over Clemson in a classic Bears/Tigers matchup. I’m going to give the edge to Nevada’s Wolf Pack against Arizona’s Wildcats too. UNC’s fraudulent run comes to an end against the Crimson Tide, and the Baylor Bears take down the Wolf Pack. Alabama advances to the Final Four over Baylor, as elephant tusks can deal massive blows. That’s what the internet is telling me, at least.
South:
More Cougars? A horse with a lance vs. the Cougars… I’ll go with Longwood to switch it up a bit. For Texas A&M, colloquially known as the “Aggies,” I am using their actual mascot — a Rough Collie named Reveille, against the Nebraska Cornhuskers, in what may be the most boring matchup of this tournament. Give me Nebraska. Wisconsin-James Madison gives us the Badgers vs. the Dukes, and I’ll have to side with the Dukes on this one. As much as I respect the Vermont Catamounts, I have a feeling the Blue Devils might make a deep run in this tournament. I’m siding with the Red Raiders of Texas Tech over the NC State Wildcats, simply due to creativity at this point. I’m done with Cougars and Wildcats. As I say that, the Kentucky Wildcats are matched up against the Oakland Golden Grizzlies. I have to go with Oakland. An interesting matchup comes in Florida’s game against the winner of the play-in — the Buffaloes or the Broncos. A quick Google search has told me “According to a 2017 video, a horse appeared to win a fight against an alligator.” Now, this was the AI-generated summary at the top of the page, but whatever works. Give me the play-in winner.
Unfortunately, Big Red and the Hilltoppers will fall to the Marquette Golden Eagles to conclude the South region’s first round. The Lancers of Longwood will continue their run to the Sweet 16, after slashing their way through the corn fields. In the matchup between the Dukes and Duke, I think the Blue Devils will prevail. The Golden Grizzlies will defeat the Red Raiders, and in a matchup between the Golden Eagles and Broncos/Buffaloes, I have to side with the play-in winner, regardless of who it is. That’s just a dominant force right there. Longwood will fall to Duke, and although a grizzly bear might defeat a horse, it wouldn’t stand a chance against a Buffalo. I’m going to go with the play-in winner once again, but they’ll fall to Duke in the Elite Eight.
Midwest:
Our first matchup is an interesting one. The Boilermakers vs. the Tigers. I feel bad for Purdue, so they’re winning this one. Sorry. Plus, don’t sleep on boilermakers. The Utah State Aggies vs. the TCU Horned Frogs is another weird one. Utah State’s mascot is a bull, so I guess I’ll go with them, since I eliminated Texas A&M by the same logic. Bulldgos vs. Cowboys? I’ll go with McNeese State, if the Cowboys include the horse (which I assume they do). The Kansas Jayhawks up against the Samford Bulldogs? This matchup made me realize I don’t actually know what a Jayhawk is. They seem pretty sick, and although fictional, would defeat the Bulldogs. Given that Gamecocks are bred and trained for fighting, I’ll give them the edge over the Oregon Ducks. The 3–14 makes for a fun one, with the Creighton Blue Jays up against the Akron Zips. The Zips are named after shoes, so I initially wanted to go Creighton. However, their real mascot is a kangaroo named Zippy. Because being named of shoes is so embarrassing, I’m still going to side with Creighton. Sorry, Zippy. Rams are quite aggressive compared to standard longhorns, so give me Colorado State over Texas. Tennessee’s many volunteers from the War of 1812 will take down the St. Peter’s Peacocks, who may have a wild Elite Eight run in the history, but do not have any defense to humans. Purdue’s run ends in normal style, a Round of 32 exit, after falling to Utah State’s bull mascot. McNeese State’s Cowboys will be able to wrangle the Jayhawks of Kansas. Another bird matchup that the Gamecocks were built for! They’ll dismantle the Creighton Blue Jays. Sorry to Tennessee, but the Volunteers stand no chance against the Colorado State Rams. I’m taking the Cowboys over Utah State, just because their fraudulent run needs to end as well. Plus, the Cowboys should be able to have some control over them. I don’t know much about cattle. The Rams will end the Gamecocks run in the Sweet 16. The Rams will end McNeese’s fairytale run to head to the Final Four.
Final Four:
In the Final Four, we have the 2-seed Iowa State Cyclones up against the 4-seed Alabama Crimson Tide. Is it bad for me to assume that elephants don’t get picked up in tornados? Low center of gravity and all that. Alabama wins. The Duke Blue Devils, the 4-seed from the South region are up against the 10-seed Colorado State Rams on the other side of the bracket. I’ll side with the Blue Devils. The Rams can’t win everything, plus Duke clearly has some voodoo stuff going on over there in Durham. Two four seeds meet in the National Championship — The Alabama Crimson Tide vs. the Duke Blue Devils. Alabama’s winning it all. I just can’t go against elephants.
Roll tide, y’all.
